"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." - Martin Luther King Jr.
I would like to precede this blog post by stating that the story told herein is my (Lemia Astarabadi’s) story as well as my personal opinions and perspective of my experiences.
I sit here, taking deep breaths and contemplating the last 25 years of my yoga experience. The first style I ever practiced was called "Kundalini Yoga As Taught By Yogi Bhajan". I found it at a Gold's Gym in Southern California, while lifting weights and seeking a new practice that could help me age gracefully. I was looking for a new exercise regime after being a collegiate athlete for the past 5 years. I was young, open, and excited to try something new. My teacher was an amazing women, mother, and Sikh who practiced what she preached and spread so much Love through her teaching. It was an empowering, healing, and transformational time in my life. Ten years of practice with my teacher led me to seek out a teaching career in yoga. I was a middle school teacher turned Holistic Health Practitioner. The practice helped me find my true identity and connect with my soul on a very deep level. I had been sexually molested as a young teenager, and there was a lot of heart healing and forgiveness work on my plate. This style of yoga was a deeply healing practice and journey into the depths of my soul. My experience with Kundalini Yoga was quite different from the experiences expressed in the documentary, however, I honor the people who have shared their stories in both this documentary as well as the many Facebook groups, podcasts, and discussion groups out there. I was “lucky” to have a teacher that walked her talk and led her students with Love. The Kundalini Yoga teacher training I had signed up to take in India was cancelled at the last minute, and I was looking for other learning opportunities when I found the style of yoga that I ended up getting certified in. (Before I go any further with my story, I would like to say that I will not mention the yoga style, the teacher’s name, or the associated company for legal reasons. I do not wish to defame these individuals or the entities. After I left, I was threatened with a lawsuit if I were to publicly name the individuals of the companies involved. Because of the First Amendment and my right to tell my own story and give my personal opinions, I will write my story and my opinion without mentioning the specific names or businesses involved.) I studied and practiced this new style of yoga in New York City, and then taught in Southern California for the next 15 years. I received a lot of wisdom and knowledge from this experience, but over the years, there was an unsettling reality unveiling. My husband took the training as well, and we were both invited to teach in the yoga teacher training soon after that. We were able to get a closer look at the daily operations, handling of money, and the power that was being misused in a greater way year after year. This teacher claimed to be able to "see the unseen", walk through walls, and have magical powers that allowed him to talk directly to the spirits that hold all of the cosmic wisdom of the universe. He came off as a type of super human, and some students truly believed he was the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth. This teacher said he was trained under Yogi Bhajan, and he served as Yogi Bhajan's financial advisor.
We stayed in this community teaching and volunteering in the name of “service”, a value we still hold strong to today. There were certainly wonderful times that involved meaningful work with students, learning techniques, wisdom, and spending time with meditations. In our opinions the amount of time spent teaching, which could be all day and even into the night during teacher training weekends with very little pay and in the name of “service” and “paying our dues” toward becoming teachers who could one day be paid, amounted to an abuse. This went on for all 15 years. We justified all of this by telling ourselves that we were learning under “A Master”, and we were helping to build a base for this spiritual community. We gave our hearts and souls to this cause of "changing the world for the better" from 2006 until 2021. An example of an incident that disappointed us was when a meeting was called by the “Master”, and the upper staff was asked to do whatever it took to make large sums of money overnight. We were encouraged to quickly come up with trainings and workshops so that we could sell them even though they were not even written yet. This was repeated many times over the years. There was a constant push to bring in money. We questioned why the events needed to be held in five-star venues instead of locations with more humble accommodations and more accessible rates for the students, and we were left with no answers yet again. As time went on, we grew disenchanted with our inability to work and teach in exchange for actual payment on a consistent basis. It was set up in a way where we had to always either volunteer, do things as an exchange, or work for free as a means of constantly earning the next level of requirement to be considered a “Teacher Trainer”, while the bar was yet again raised as soon as we reached it. In order to afford to keep up this level of service at very little and often no pay, we worked to develop our own related income streams that did not overlap with services they were offering. These efforts were met with very little support and many roadblocks. As yoga teachers and practitioners of the healing techniques we learned, we were also expected to pay tithing on any monies that we made individually. Unlike a college course, where you are empowered to use what you learn to earn income, there was a feeling of obligation throughout the community to give back for the “wisdom” that was already paid for. Volunteering did not count as tithing. One could imagine how difficult it would be to actually pay for one's life when things are set up this way.
In our 15 years in this organization, a new manager was hired from outside of the spiritual community. He was interested in hearing the stories and opinions of the core of teachers because he found a large amount of discord among the staff and teachers alike. He was also determined to bolster the non-profit services as a whole. During these meetings, we found that our experience was very similarly expressed by many other individuals. In one of the meetings he reported to the group that the 501c3 was not being legitimately run, even though it had been operating as one for well over a decade. Outside of these meetings, students and volunteers confided in us with their personal stories, revealing truths that were completely shocking to hear in regards to sexual allegations and other dysfunctional behaviors. What we were being “sold” was not in alignment with the experiences that we and others were having. There was a scary reality facing us both deeply, and we couldn't stay quiet much longer. The truth was extremely painful and hard to swallow, and we had a lot of guilt for being so devoted to something so abusive for so long. This is what we believe a cult experience creates in its followers. We see it in the spiritual world, in politics, and in various groups of people with narcissistic leaders. Greed, power, and control take over, and the followers become enslaved by the reality that has been created for them. The past few years have been about unpacking our experiences and processing what we allowed ourselves to be conditioned in for so many years.
We watched all four shows of this "Breath of Fire" documentary in one afternoon on HBO. There were so many similarities with the groups, and Yogi Bhajan was a common thread. He created a blueprint for the yoga cult that was followed by many others after his death. Exploring podcasts, books, and articles on this topic, there are many different yoga cults operating in the world as we speak. Many of the victims of yoga cults have had to lawyer up and fight for their right to share their stories publicly. Their courage has inspired us in feeling that we too need to speak up and share our story as our First Amendment right. We are still navigating our way through it all, as it takes a long time to unravel who we have been for so long and who we really are beyond this experience. All we know is that there is no teacher or human that we will lie, cheat, or abuse others for. We believe the truth sets us free, and we have been on this journey of revealing truths for many years now. We are not perfect ourselves, and we have made mistakes throughout our lives. We have never claimed to be perfect or "holy" people. The difference between making mistakes and purposefully causing harm, is the person who continues to do what they are doing after understanding that their behaviors are hurting others. Taking advantage of people with open hearts is not right and should not be done. We understand that cult leaders prey upon highly sensitive, often lost, broken, or soul-searching type of people who want to do good. These communities are filled with Loving and caring beings who want to be a positive force in the world. It is morally wrong to do what they do, and they continue to do it in bigger and more harmful ways as time goes on. We are here to say enough is enough. When we decided to and were forced to opt out of these dynamics, we finally felt free. We no longer empower them to hurt us with their actions and behaviors because it is clear that their perceived power has always been an illusion. Hopefully, by sharing our experiences, we can shed Light for others and help empower anyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship or community, but feels that they cannot.
In my years of observing my own experiences with this organization and then looking at other examples that have come out in the media, I have seen that there is a broad spectrum of dysfunction that can amount to varying levels of cult-like behavior. It's obvious that the world is becoming much more educated on what makes a healthy organization. This is important for the health of society as well as individuals. I'm grateful to the makers of the “Breath of Fire” series as it showed an intimate view of how these organizations can affect people's lives negatively. While it may seem counterintuitive to some, I have learned that one's involvement is also accompanied by some benefits such as building of skills and increasing certain areas of knowledge. My time was certainly not a total waste, and some of the things that I've learned I continue to use to this day. What I have learned and become impassioned about is the responsibility that these organizations have to provide a safe and healthy environment, and being mindful of the well-being of its long-time members. I'm grateful to the many individuals who have made it their life’s work to educate others on what constitutes a healthy organization. I'm grateful to the gentleman who was hired by the organization I worked with, who recognized dysfunction, and then sought to inject healthy practices. Even though he was eventually let go, he made a huge difference in my life and the lives of some of my colleagues. While there is much more that I could say about my experience, my final message to you is that we as individuals, as students, as followers of religion and spiritual movements, as participants in political movements, and as members of society have a responsibility to uphold healthy practices that add to people’s lives instead of hurting them. By doing this we protect each other from abuses, and we even help to maintain a free society.
I will end this short discussion by saying that we hope by teaching and sharing yoga with this group for the past two decades, we haven't brought any harm to anyone. We all have to decide for ourselves what we choose to feed and grow in our lives and what we wish to dissolve or end. We are not here to tell anyone what to do, and we also want to be transparent of our life detour that ended with heartbreak, as well as profound growth. Every challenge exists to help us grow, learn, and evolve. We hope to continue to move forward as gracefully as we can into Truth, Love, and Integrity. Thank you for listening to our story.
Would you like to share your story? We will be restarting our podcast in the coming months to offer a space for deeper discussions. We are open to this and many other topics that may be difficult to talk about. The more we air out the darkness, the better the Light can shine. We look forward to what the future holds, and we are open to where our experiences and higher guidance takes us.
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